Friday, November 28, 2008

Black Friday Hoopla

The battle to end all battles will be fought between mobs of sweaty, agro, frothing-at-the-mouth shoppers, like these nutty motherfuckers at Walmart in Green Acres Mall in Nassau County, USA.

http://www.newsday.com/news/local/nassau/ny-limart1129,0,167903.story

How the hell does stuff like this happen?? I mean it, honestly, tell me. Nobody noticed they were stepping on someone's HEAD, as they ran towards a bargain bin?!! This poor bastard, who was only 34 years old mind you, was KILLED! I mean, killed dead, end of life, not just injured or knocked over, but DEAD. I just don't get it. I mean, the guy was young, not one of those grey, rickety bastards who looks about a million years old and greets shoppers at the door, he was young and he was trampled to the point of death. TRAMPLED! By maniacal whacked-out shoppers, just dying to get the best deal on junk that's going to fall apart in 6 months and that they don't need anyway! These people make me sick, I mean, physically ill. They rushed the doors at 5 am and knocked them right off their hinges? Who even has that much gumption at 5 am??

For fucks sake, how good could the deals be, people?? Really? REALLY?? It's fucking Walmart, come on now. It's not worth a human life... just wanted to put that out there.. in case you didn't ALREADY UNDERSTAND THIS!!!

This is the kind of shit that makes me want to run around in spastic circles waving my arms wildly above my head and babbling incoherently, because that's really all I can think of doing after reading about stuff like this, as my brain feels completely drained of all rationality, intelligence and coherent thought.

Green Acres Mall? Oh yeah, nice, pleasant green acres for sure, unless you're DEAD!! Fucking christ.

Hoopla diagnosis: Some people are so brainwashed into believing that full-on unhesitating consumerism will make them happy and fulfilled, they allow themselves to get out of control to the point where they kill an innocent temp worker. On a scale of 1 to 10, the Hoopla surrounding Christmas shopping completely blows my mind at a level of 142,387.

Friday, October 10, 2008

The idea of a woman

Ya know, I just really want to know when people are going to stop flogging a dead horse and grow the fuck up.

I'm sick of people using any means they can to undermine women in politics. No, wait. It's not really "any means". It's targeted sexism. It's people making low-brow, moronic and demeaning comments to and about women in politics. You never see that with men, but with women it's a bloody free for all. Case in point: the US election. First we had Hillary Clinton, whom many men openly made absurd and outright rude sexist comments about, comments they would never make about male candidates, slagging her for things like "being a nagging wife" or "being too masculine, being a ball-buster" and then going in the complete opposite direction and slamming her for "intentionally showing cleavage to get votes". CLEAVAGE!!! Seriously?? She wears suits, people!! PANTS SUITS!! It had nothing to do with her god damn cleavage, it had to do with people, mostly idiotic male newscasters, feeling really uncomfortable with the idea of a smart, strong woman in politics running for president, and looking for the only way they knew how to demean her, to degrade her as a person and put her back in her place, back into a little box where they could feel comfortable about it.

And now, it's poor Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin, whom the first fucking thing I heard about the woman was, "McCain picked his vice presidential running mate, and it's a woman, Sarah Palin. She's hot!" The first fucking thing I heard was about how she LOOKED. That she was hot, beautiful,, blah blah blah, a pageant queen, like that has ANYTHING to do with her being able to run a god damn country. Everytime someone mentions her, they have to bring up the fact that she's a "former beauty pageant contestant". Because I guess that's all there is to her, ya know? Let's just keep pointing out moments from her past when she was a silly little woman competing in a silly little beauty pageant. That way she's not so threatening, and hey, at the same time, we can belittle her for it!

GEORGE CARLIN, WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU!!

And now, some fucker out there (I believe it's Larry Flynt) has come up with a porn script for a flick that will be called "Nailin' Palin", with characters like Sarah Palin, Hillary Clinton and Condoleeza Rice. Really? Seriously? Like, okay, she's a woman. We get it. Does that mean she's relegated to the category of sex object, right off the bat? Sure, Sarah Palin is kind of an idiot. She's completely unfit and unqualified to actually be the vice president, or even president, of the United States of America. But she doesn't deserve to be so fucking undermined as a woman and as a human being, that she's now being made into a porn symbol, which in itself is a symbol of complete intellectual emptyness and void of all real meaning. I mean, let's be fair here. Does anyone remember the word, respect? So basic, yet so under-utilized.

Women in North America (and many other continents) are raised in a world that shoves a false, preconceived idea of acceptable femininity, sexuality and beauty down their throats from the time they come out of the womb (girls wear pink, boys wear blue!) and I can't even begin to tell you how many doofy guys I've met who've said to me, "Well, if women want lives like men, if they want to be equal with men, then they should go after it and work just as hard and be like men". Wow, really? I didn't know it was that simple. Thanks for that, moron. I'm surprised Hillary Clinton made it as far as she did with such grace and dignity, given the intense, scathing scrutiny she was under for her entire campaign. The stupidest part is, when women actually do want to step out of that socially conditioned role of feminity and display a different side of themselves, a side that people might label as being more stereotypically "masculine" than everyone's comfortable with (focused, driven, hardworking, intelligent, outspoken, no-nonsense), especially in the intense public spotlight that an election is, people just keep trying to dumb them down, to force them back into the idea of a woman that they're comfortable with. And that's what is really behind the whole concept of making a fucking porn film about women in politics.

You might think that some idiot making a porn flick about Sarah Palin is a bunch of lame hoopla, and on a certain level, you'd be absolutely right. It is. But the reality behind it is not. It's just that, a big ol' smack in the face from reality. Thanks, reality. It stings a little. Hoopla always has a darker side to it, and this bit of hoopla's dark side is the unavoidable fact that sexism, really brutal sexism that demeans women as human beings, is still alive and well-nurtured, and it's running rampant in the most ridiculous of places, like government, an arena in which women are still struggling to gain stature and respect.

So all I have to say is, fuck you, Larry Flynt. Fuck you.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Torture Porn


Torture Porn, you say?? WTF! I know. It doesn't conjure up a very nice image. So let me explain.

I won't take credit for coming up with that phrase, although it wouldn't have been hard to when you really think about what it means. I read it in another news article about a year or so ago, that was discussing all of these hardcore torture films that were flooding into theatres with such frequency it was like they were being churned out in some rank, demented film factory run by inbred rednecks with chainsaws down in southern Alabama. That's the only explanation I can come up with to justify the content of these movies, really.

The phrase, which I have seen flying around since then, basically refers to the pornographic nature of the torture film. When people hear the word "porn", they automatically think of sexual porn, which is the most well-known usage of the word, but actually, that's not quite what pornography means. Please refer to the lovely example below that was so kindly provided to me by dictionary.com:

Pornography: "obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, esp. those having little or no artistic merit."

Exactly. Precisely. Could not be more on the ball. Films about torture, violence and gratuitous representation of human pain and suffering that have little or no artistic merit, and in some cases, even involve sexualized torture, like rape-torture scenes. I give you, torture porn!

Here's a little list of films that would fall under the category of hardcore torture porn:

Saw I, II and III
Hostel I and II
Captivity

I don't get these movies. I mean, the name "torture porn" so aptly describes them, because that's all it is. Extensive and drawn out graphic violence that involves captive and helpless victims, and adds nothing to the plot, even if there is a feeble initial attempt at one. It's very similar to sexual porn, actually - all action, no talk, straight up raunch. Because who wants any kind of interesting story or meaningful dialogue with their hardcore rape and torture?? Or with their blowjobs?? Not me, dammit!!

But as a film nerd, I find this newly emerging mainstream genre even more interesting. When you look at the history of film, this new onslaught of over the top and really mentally disturbing violence is the first of it's time. Now, I know hardcore horror flick fans will disagree and say that "we've seen all this same gore before", and they may be right, but it has never been a mainstream movie fixture like it is now - it's mostly been a part of more underground horror movies that were largely appreciated by underground horror flick fans. Even if some of the more raunchy horror flicks from years back were movies that crossed into the mainstream, they simply did not arrive there with the same kind of frequency and intensity we're seeing now. I have a good friend who is majorly into horror flicks from every decade and culture, and even he has a hard time stomaching some of the new torture porn films coming out now.

The point is, it all seems like a bunch of hype, a bunch of hoopla if you will, glorifying violence and death and torture for the masses of scrawny teenage boys that will buy into it. But in truth, it's an ugly reality about the world we live in. It reflects a larger reality about our society that has become a big part of how we live every day, whether nor not we actually directly engage in violence ourselves. We speak violence on some level, we see violence nearly every day, on some level, and so much of our media and entertainment is violence-based it's nearly impossible to escape (UFC anyone? And don't give me that shit about "mixed martial arts, blah blah", fuck off, it's a bunch of doofy guys beating each other in the head in a fucking CAGE, for christ's sake, until one of them drops out of consciousness.)

I think it's ridiculous to argue that the films we watch, (which are themselves a smaller part of a larger sphere of the minute-by-minute entertainment we crave and ultimately demand every day), have no relevance to the world we live in and what we are asking for from the entertainment gods, what we are begging for. Because the marketing reps know, if we're not really looking for it, it won't make them any money. So they're giving us what we're looking for, while simulataneously marketing to us even further the idea that what they're selling is something we really need to get in on. I mean, they wouldn't have made 2 sequels for the movie "Saw" if the first one didn't rake in a ton of money - same goes for "Hostel". Long story short, we want this violence (or a lot of people seem to) and many of us (not counting myself) are very comfortable with, if not downright excited about, indulging in graphic torture scenes and disturbing gratuitous violence as a form of "entertainment".

Basically what I'm saying is, historically, socially, we have crossed a major threshold, and it deserves a bit of attention, I think. I find it morbidly interesting, to be quite honest. We are no longer floating in that interstitial space between horror flicks that are kinda gross and scary and horror flicks that actually make you feel nauseated and violated. We have moved beyond that. It is now such an accepted part of our entertainment world that seriously violent films that feature graphic and disturbing rape and torture scenes are the order of the day. And I just find that, well, disturbing.

I think we're reaching stimulus overload - we're frying out our nerve synapses, our emotional synapases, to the point where the "entertainment" we seek out every day has to be even sexier, even more violent, even more absurd, even more raunchy and fluffy and dramatic, than it was just a year ago. Otherwise, we can't feel it, we can't experience it anymore - it just doesn't have that same kick to it. We are burned out.

And finally, just to make my point even more violently clear, we've got the case of Vince Weiguang Li, the 40 year old man who slashed up a fellow passenger on a Greyhoud bus in Manitoba, completely without warning, and did horrific and unspeakable things to this innocent young guy, while 36 people looked on. People heard about that and gasped in horror and shock, with the stories becoming even more gruesome day after day as further details were brought to light. And people watch that same shit for entertainment! They watch even WORSE shit than that, actually. It just makes me mad that some people will insist, "Well this is real life, and this is just 'entertainment' "? Really? Oh. That's all?? Oh, ok. Well that makes everything alright, then. Thanks for that.

So the next time you're watching a seriously hardcore violent film, think about that poor guy Tim Mclean, and maybe just come up for air long enough to acknowledge that this kind of shit really does happen and should not be exploited and re-enacted for some kind of sick entertainment, even if just out of respect for the millions of people that have been and will be brutally raped, tortured and killed in the years that have passed and the years still to come. And that fucked up show "Dexter, America's Favourite Serial Killer"?? Yeah. Wow. We've reached an all-time low here, folks. I don't care how good the plot is. What's next, "Jeffrey Dahmer, America's Favourite Child Killer"??? No, you say? Too close to home, you say?

I'm just sayin'. Think about it.

Finally, for the record and all, I refuse to watch rape scenes in films because I know women that have been raped and I have had to experience the fear of that possibility in my own life a few times. It's not something that I find very entertaining to watch, in fact it nauseates me, especially when it involves some "super sexy", beat up and bloody woman writhing in pain, and I highly doubt that it ever truly serves any kind of positive, meaningful purpose for those watching it.

Hoopla diagnosis: You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll mostly wish you were dead and not living in this extremely fucked up world. Cocktail, anyone?

Monday, July 7, 2008

Some good ol' pseudo-lesbian hoopla!!


Oh man... it doesn't get much worse than this.

Ya know what I really hate? Psuedo-lesbians. Boring, straight, lame-ass white chicks who think making out with another girl is a huge deal and a big no-no, like, oh my god, like, sooo risque. Do they think lesbianism was just magically "invented" a few weeks ago and no one has ever heard of this extremely "daring" and "deliciously sexy" concept?

I'm referring of course to that lame song by Katy Perry, called "I Kissed A Girl". Well, how ballsy of you. BARF. Like she's such a bad ass for kissing a chick:

"...it's not what good girls do, not how they should behave..."

Fuck off, seriously. Did this chick ever think that this might be a bit offensive to women who are legitimately homosexual? Like being gay is "not what good girls do" (which is where the attraction comes in for straight guys and girls, of course) and that basically means lesbians/bisexuals are somehow "bad" or "wrong". Who buys this shit, anyways?? I mean, she rambles on about kissing a girl like she's such a rebel, but then of course she excuses her so-called "bad behaviour" by stating that she was a) drunk at the time, and b) don't worry everyone, she's actually straight, she even has a boyfriend!! *tee hee* She's just being experimental. Gee, hope he don't mind her kissin' girls! Well, no shit he won't mind, he's the *exact guy* who is into fake lesbians and is being marketed to.

Cherry Chapstick?? Fuck off.

The way lesbianism is portrayed in the mainstream media is a bunch of HOOPLA. Yes, you guessed it. Hoopla, I say. It caters entirely to straight, white males who fantasize about straight, white women getting it on with other chicks. And in those fantasies, these fake lesbian chicks are always hot, sexy, slender and vanilla, and ALSO conveniently into guys, too! You never see a music video or hear a song about trying something new and exciting, like making out with bull dykes!! You never see that!! And you know why? Because that's not what sells, because that's a reality that wanker, straight, vanilla white guys and girls don't want to talk about, or hear about for that matter.

I hate that song and I hate lame-ass psuedo-lesbians.

Hoopla diagnosis: Shut up and stop pretending to be gay because you think you'll get some attention from it. Now go make out with a bull dyke and then let me know how you really feel.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

The first lil' spoonful of hoopla



Here is a great little bit of "hoopla" to laugh about... and maybe cringe about, too. Let us inspect, shall we?


According to Sympatico/MSN news, EBay has been ordered by a French court to pay $61 million to the fashion company LVMH Moet Hennessy Louis Vuitton SA. LVMH is home to brands like Givenchy, Fendi, Emilio Pucci and Marc Jacobs. Apparently, they were crying big, salty tears into their porridge about losing money because people sell so many fakes and knock-offs of designer label products on EBay. Awwww, muffin!


EBay was obviously not happy about the court's decision, and it certainly doesn't help that they are sued often by similar companies for the same reasons. The EBay spokesperson, Sravanthi Agrawal, was quoted as saying, "If counterfeits appear on our site, we take them down swiftly. But today's ruling is not about counterfeits. Today's ruling is about an attempt by LVMH to protect uncompetitive commercial practices at the expense of consumer choice and the livelihood of law-abiding sellers that EBay empowers every day."


And I have to agree. Like they're not making grotesque amounts of money as it is. Come on, people. Everyone knows. Now go play with your toys in the sand and shut up.


And how about this knob?


Pierre Godet, an adviser to LVMH chairman and CEO Bernard Arnault, stated that the court's decision on Monday was "an answer to a particularly serious question, on whether the Internet is a free-for-all for the most hateful, parasitic practices."


Well, shit. We already knew the internet was a free-for-all for the most hateful, parasitic practices. That's what makes it so friggin' awesome.


Me thinks this little French man takes himself much too seriously, himself and the whole fashion industry, actually. Hateful? Parasitic? Wow. Those are some harsh words. But of course, he has to be dramatic about it, otherwise some people might not consider designer products to be so... serious. And meaningful. No, no, mon petite Pierre. I'd say buying fakes (or 'reals', for that matter) of designer products is kind of sad, more than anything. Sad and ... a little desperate. And why do I think that? Well, let me explain.


Let's take a more in-depth look at this situation with our Hoopla spectacles firmly affixed to our heads.


The hoopla around designer products is based on exclusivity and targeted marketing campaigns. I don't argue that many designer products are gorgeous, unique and well-made, but the truth is, they cost so damn much because of the social status they represent. People buy fakes because they want that social status but they can't really afford it. They might even genuinely like how the product looks, but that's not *the* reason they buy it. We live in a culture where we are constantly trying to enhance ourselves or up our "cool" quotient, by using external methods of fashion, cosmetic surgery, etc., the list goes on. Designer products merely represent just one more arbitrary self-improvement method we've created that we've convinced ourselves will provide us with some kind of emotional reward, i.e. we feel cool and confident, and special or different than everyone else. But the truth is, it's all just a bunch of hoopla, and as we all know, hoopla dissolves quickly in sunlight, with nothing but a sad little whine and a hisssssss.


Hoopla diagnosis: Sad and kinda desperate, especially when everyone knows it's a knock-off. 5 girlish screams out of 5, for full Hoopla marks.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Chuck Klosterman is my hero.


The man. The myth. Ya love him. Ya hate him. Ya love to hate him.

Here's the guy who inspired me to write about hoopla - Chuck Klosterman. Personally, I've always been into deconstructing low culture/pop culture, but Chuck takes it to a whole new level and invites me to join him there. A few weeks ago when I was digging through some old archives here at my work, I found a really old article about him in a Vancouver Sun newspaper from 2003, and I just couldn't put it down. In the article, Chuck was discussing a book he wrote called "Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto", and the topic for the interview was mainly about advertisements for sugared cereals and how they teach kids that "coolness" is all about exclusivity and social status, i.e. the cereal mascot is always trying to get the cereal for himself and be in the "cool club", but is consistently rejected by the children in the ads.

That's just one example that I found to be completely axiomatic and also comical in a sense. Chuck's writing speaks to me on that mental level in my brain where I often contemplate if I am just secretly insane for pondering the things I spend a lot of time pondering. It turns out, if anything, I am at least as crazy as Chuck. And that's good enough for me.

You can find out more about Chuck here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Klosterman

Love,

Mrs. Klosterman

Just what is "hoopla"? And what can you do about it?

Howdy, folks!!

I figured I'd start off this new blog with a post explaining the point of it all, and the idea of "hoopla".

Hoopla, essentially, is mainstream media hype about stuff that seems shallow, superficial and/or irrelevant to "real life", but I beg to differ. As mentioned in the title of this blog, we're knee-deep in the stuff, day in and day out, and I just happen to be the kind of person who enjoys leaning in, invading Hoopla's personal space a bit, and achieving a closer look at what some call "low culture", taking it apart like a Micro-Machine, if you will, and getting a real good look at it.

Discussions about hoopla are always inherently funny, because hoopla makes up some, if not all, of the most ridiculously over-hyped and downright silly events and topics of this lovely and impeccably flawless planet. But when looked at a bit closer, hoopla has a shocking dark side that many people don't take the time to acknowledge, and here in my Hoopla-Lab, we venture into those nasty little crevices without any regard for fear or good manners.

Here from my think-tank, I promise to make "Knee-deep in the Hoopla" stories both highly comical and thought-provoking, 2 concepts which will hopefully skip hand in hand down lovers lane with the ideas of intrigue and critical thinking.

Enjoy, my little lambs!

Love,

Your fearless leader in Hoopla